This is why...

This is why I’m bored.

We have had the same conversation how many times? I have actually forgotten. I’m sure you’ll think this is rude, and it probably is. It’s fairly arrogant, in its own way. On the other hand, every one of these ‘talks’ we have are so similar that they tend to blur together. Now, I say talks, but I’m really not sure it’s the right term. I’ve done more talking in lectures at Uni. Not ‘disrupting the class’ type talking, where me and the person next to me have a grand old chin-wag about something completely unrelated, but I mean genuine, contributing to the discussion talking. Lectures. University lectures, where someone with all kinds of degrees and qualifications have stood up the front of a big room to tell people about all the amazing things they know. I have spoken more in one of these (in the capacity of a student, no less) than I have in most of our ‘discussions’.  Admittedly, the lectures at Uni are, on average, twice as long as the ‘talks’ we have, but I still think my point is valid. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to rename our talks, to something more appropriate.

Let’s call them Lectures.
 

So:
We’ve had the same Lecture how many times? Or rather, how many times have I received the same lecture from the same two people? Or, wait. No, I mis-remember. It’s one person. The other one is “stuck in the middle” and tries their best not to contribute.  I’ll respect that.

So the same one person has lectured me, with the same lecture, on the same topic, so many times that I have forgotten the count. I have to ask, now that we’ve all clarified our terminology a little, doesn’t that sound fucked?

I’m sure its supposed to be motivating. Hey, that’s even the topic! I’m not doing enough. I’m not meeting expectations. I’m being rude about it (by being passively polite. Huh. Nice work me? Can I have an award for confusing contradictory behaviour? No? Sadface). Thing is, it isn’t motivating. You would think that that was obvious by that fact that we had to have the lecture a second time. Or a third time. Or enough times for me to lose count.

So here’s the bit where I offer a concession. Yes, my behaviour has been a bit rude. Yes, I am a little arrogant. I am aware of this. But I listen to the lectures again and again. They are very boring when you've heard them again and again and again and you know what the final result will be. I almost feel like I could do the part that isn’t me.
Can we not do them again though?

If you want to try something to motivate me, maybe we can work something out? Something that maybe, just maybe, involves actual communication? 

This is a talk that I have had. It was a talk, a conversation. Unfortunately, it wasn’t one that happened with all of us. But there was communication, and after a long, long talk, I finally managed to get a point across. I am shocked it took that long, but it did, and I think I did.

The point I was trying to make was about communication. Here is me trying to communicate. Through a passive medium, I am attempting to open a dialogue.

It is the only way I know how. I feel like I am out of other options.

Someone said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result. Now, that’s crap, sure. But there are elements of truth to it. We have the same conflict, and the same attempt to resolve it keeps happening and it consistently fails. Surely, at some point, we should try and alter the methods?
We end up sitting at the dinner table, after dinner, and I get talked at. I’m asked questions, sure, but I’m pretty sure that every question (like those of a good lawyer) are ones that the asker already knows the answer to. I’m left with the only answer I can make, is one where I am wrong. How is that motivational? I get to be wrong! Fantastic!

Every time we have a lecture at the dinner table, I get to be wrong again. This is the system I am working within. This is the reason I am not motivated. Each time we sit down to ask how I am going, I know that I will be wrong. I dread it. I dread it to the point of inaction. How’s that for a cycle?
I get to be wrong.

Think about that for a moment. Every time you’re asked about your progress in something or other. Pick any topic, it doesn’t matter. Any time you’re asked about how you’re going with it, you’re going to be told you’re wrong.

Do you want to keep doing it? 

Maybe any topic isn’t the right example. Pick something you love. It could be painting, it could be reading, it could be doing live radio, or woodworking. Imagine, every time someone asks you about this field, you know they’re going to tell you that you’re not doing it right. Extrapolate this over a few weeks, maybe a couple of months.
Now tell me: Do you want to keep doing it?
Do you really?

Do you want to know where my rudeness is coming from? My arrogance? I’m playing this game the only way I know how. I’m getting a 'good' result for me the only way I know how. By not playing. By not engaging in the act that I’m going to get lectured at about (and I’ll reiterate, it’s a Lecture), I can fix the result. I can choose the way that the scenario will play out. It won’t play out well for me. I’ll still be Lectured. I'll still be demotivated. But at least I’ve chosen to be lectured...
Feeling like this situation is fucked up? Because I am.

This goes for just about everything at home. I can choose not to play, not to engage. I know I’ll cop hell for it, but at least I have a choice. It’s the only way I have any power, the only way I get to feel like I get any control. 

I’m polite, I’m calm, because I already know how each Lecture is going to play out. I know we’re going to waste time. I know I’m going to feel like shit at the end. But at least it isn’t a surprise. At least I know that what I’ve done will net this result. This is all I have. Passive resistance? Yes.
What to? What am I passively resisting? The game that I can’t win. The game that I have to play but don’t get a say on the rules. 

The obvious solution is to leave. Leave the game. Move out of home. 

Not sure I want to do that yet. 

Partly, I’m a little stubborn.
Partly, I know that if I do, I’m giving up on the relationships here. Because it would be. I’d be out, and there wouldn’t be value to me coming back; I’d just be going back into a game where the rules are ones that I don’t like. 

I’m hanging around because I want to change the rules so we can all get along with less strife. Once I’m happy with that, I’ll probably go my own way anyway, but it will be my choice, and not because I’m feeling forced out, but because I feel like I’m happy to walk away and know that emotionally I can come back at any time. Emotionally, I’ll be able to involve myself in the house and the people in it, even if I’m halfway across the world.
I don’t know how to do it yet. 

We need to communicate, to talk. We’re not there yet. It might be a long way off. It might not be. I don’t know.